I have always been very aware of my body. I grew up always slightly, sometimes considerably, overweight. My parents are both overweight and have never been careful to talk about their own poor body image in front of their kids. My grandma use to tell me every week that “we” were going to start a diet on Monday. My 5 brothers are all naturally tall and lean and would harass me about being chubby. My mom is actually naturally lean and was a size 4 after having 4 babies. After 3 more, her weight got higher and higher and I now only have memories of her heavy and openly wishing for the body she use to have. I have never known what “skinny” felt like so I have never had much sympathy for her.
I think about my weight constantly. Whether it’s the thought of what to wear in the morning and how will I look in it, or how many calories are in the meal I’m about to eat, my weight is always on my mind. Sometimes the thoughts aren’t negative. Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel possibilities and the vague idea of pride. Sometimes, however, all I can think about is how I’m failing at losing the weight. I’m not working out enough. I’m eating too much. My genetics are cursing me. It’s a problem.
I try and remember the reasons I’m trying to lose weight in the first place. I would be lying if I didn’t say the number one reason is to look good. I want to know what thin feels like. I want to know how it would be to be able to walk into ANY store and find clothes that fit, and even not in the largest size available. I want to be able to sit in a group of people and not cross my arms over my stomach. There are so many things I dream about when it comes to the actual size of my body.
But there really are so many other reasons I want to lose the weight.
*I want to be healthy. I am terrified of death and anything that brings it closer scares the shit out of me. I want to live as long and as healthfully as possible.
*I want to be one of the active, fit people I see all over the place and feel jealous of. There is no reason I can’t be the active woman I wish I was.
*I want to set a good example for the people around me. I sooo wish my Dad would lose weight. He has always been a big guy and has only gotten bigger over time. He has knee problems, back problems, high blood pressure and horrible self-esteem. He has been so supportive of me losing weight and has probably taken more notice to the changes in my body than anyone else. If I could inspire him to get active and lose some weight, my fight for myself will be worth it.
*I want to prove that my genes aren’t a curse. If I can get to a healthy, happy weight, then I will have no excuse to say that “this is the way I am and the way I will always be”.
*I want to feel confident. I am a pretty confident person in most areas of my life. I’m good at what I do, I get along with everyone, I think I’m pretty damn funny and generally pretty cool. My body is another story. I won’t even let my husband look at me naked. How lame is that? The person who loves me more than anyone, tells me I’m perfect and still wants to touch me isn’t allowed to watch me change my clothes or touch my stomach. I know this last one is mostly a mental challenge, but I do believe that losing weight will help. I already feel sooooo much more confident now than when I was at my biggest so I know every little bit counts.
Every now and then, I need to remember that this is about more than looking good. I want so much more out of life than what I get when I sit and watch it pass. My life is good and it’s going in great directions, so I need to do the things that will give me the healthiest, happiest life I can have. I deserve it.
